Throughout the majority of my life, I have struggled with self love. I want you to know me and learn about me, the real me.
I was always active trying out for sport teams in high school, AAU, and running the farm. Although I considered myself active, I ate pretty much whatever I wanted and then some. I had an unhealthy relationship with food. It was comfort to me.
I was raised in a home with a lot of moving parts. My parents divorced when I was 2. My mother went her way and my dad went his. I can remember for most my life spending it with my dear Nana. My mom remarried and along came my brother and my dad remarried when I was 4 and along came my second brother. I moved a lot with my mother where I was lost in a sea of new schools and new places along with complicated family matters that were never discussed. I remember feeling safe in the food pantry and found security in eating.
Finding Where I Belong
When junior high and high school came around, I had a hard time finding where I belonged. I wanted to do everything, be friends with everyone, and pretend like nothing was wrong. I knew I was heavier & bigger than all my friends, but I pretended like it didn’t bother me. Sadly, I definitely didn’t care enough to focus on who I was created to be. I would mold myself to fit whatever friends I had made at my new school.
I remember buying hydroxcut at Wal-Mart, trying to gag myself in bathrooms. Also, I tried starving myself for a few meals thinking I could take the “easy” road. Right out of high school I made some really foolish decisions. Those consequences made me grow up even more so than I had to as a kid and face the decisions I had made as MY OWN problems and not a result of my childhood.
I eventually quit college ball along with other sporting activities. Also, I learned more about myself during the following three months than I had in the 18 years of my life.
WHEN I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT I KNEW I NEEDED TO WORK ON LOVING MYSELF.
However, I didn’t work out much and I focused on working as much as possible. I also ate as much as possible. I was over 200 pounds when I was full-term with KJ.
I started working out again when he was 8 weeks old. I lost the majority of my pregnancy weight but was still so unhappy and hated who I was both inside and out.
Now, I’m taking care of a newborn, unhappy with me, sinking further and further into a dark depression, I was at the lowest I have ever been overwhelmed, broken marriage, living at my father in laws, broke, and internally dying!
I remember breastfeeding KJ at 2 am, exhausted beyond the point I ever thought exhaustion was possible and in tears from the pain, frustration and disappointment. I told myself that enough was enough. I HAD to pull myself out of that dark place I was in.
Immediately my thoughts went to the birth of my son and tears began streaming down my cheeks and onto KJ’s forehead. I was determined and desperate all in the same moment to be as strong as I could be. I remember dark hospital room filled with the noise of the tv, nurses running in and out of the room, feeling something different–a special vibe. I was focused and prepared, yet apprehensive and terrified.
For the 3 hours following, I clinched the sheets as each contraction got stronger and stronger, breathing through each painful but yet one contraction closer to meeting my handsome little man and eventually there he was. As I relaxed and went through transition, I was, once again left mesmerized by the power that women possess. Every single one of us. Whether you have had a child or not.
The Special Moment
As I thought back on that special moment, it finally sunk in. How could I ever doubt the power that I have? The power within me! I felt weak, depressed, lost, and lonely as I used literally every ounce I had to care for my little man and serve others.
How would I ever love myself? How would I get my life? How would I be a good mother to my son?
I FOUND SOMETHING I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS MISSING, SOMETHING THAT WOULD CHANGE MY ENTIRE LIFE.
Every night I would find myself in the eyes of my son. The one thing that was draining me more than anything else in my life, at that time, was also fueling something so deep inside of me that I didn’t see it at first. Then when I did see it, it didn’t just fuel myself to change and improve every aspect of my life but also EVERY SINGLE MOTHER out there.
I was & am determined to share my story. To blog, talk, cry, teach, and learn. To have a place in this big internet world that women could come to and find that they weren’t alone. That life was hard and that was okay. That they could TRANSFORM themselves even after motherhood. That MOTHERHOOD could fuel their strength, their sexuality, their goals, and so much more.
FINDING MY VOICE TO SHARE MY STORY.
I found so much joy talking with other moms and women face to face about the struggles of self love, confidence and the joys of finally seeing that they too are beautiful just as God made them, that I began making beauty and confidence the center of my blog. It was a leap I wasn’t sure I was prepared to take. It made me way more vulnerable and transparent than I had ever thought I would be on my blog.
IT ALSO DID SOMETHING I HAD NEVER THOUGHT WOULD HAPPEN.
I was in tears every single night while I read stories of women who needed help, who needed a place to share, who didn’t know where to turn. I know now that sharing my story was the ONLY reason why I needed to start a blog in the first place. More about that later…
About a year after I had KJ, I decided to once and for all turn my life around. I started praying and listening more instead of fighting it on my own. Took some time and a whole lot of healing but everything I thought I was called for was dead and going nowhere… a lesson from God. October 2018- I found out I was pregnant with my second, this was such a blessing in disguise. I mean of course I was stoked about the new baby, but it also pushed me to slow down and listen more. March 2018 and opportunity fell right in my lap, and I never dreamed it would be for me or even considered it in the plan…but because it came from husband and when it did… I knew it was of God’s work. (Find out more about it here: )
I FOUND A PASSION SHARING MY LOVE FOR EMPOWERING WOMEN TO STEP OUT BE CONFIDENT AND FEEL BEAUTIFUL.
THIS NEW ADVENTURE WAS A PERFECT WAY TO VEHICLE THAT EVEN MORE.
Although mental and spiritual growth can occur during one’s journey, for me, those aspects of my life was tested at another level as I begin to change for who I was created to be. I was safe in my life before, or so i thought. What I didn’t realize was just how hard it was going to be to share the real side of my life, the vulnerability, the transparency, and the plain cold hard truth! But, once I began, something shifted in me and it was liberating showing others who are right where I was that life doesn’t have to be so lonely and tough. (journey blog here)
THROUGH Prayer, Stepping Right Into What I Was Afraid Of, AND A WHOLE LOT OF JESUS, I FOUND THE SELF-LOVE I HAD BEEN MISSING.
I remembered why I started sharing my journey in the first place. My goal was not to a super model. My goal was to HEAL and HELP as many momma’s as possible. To share what I have learned through my own journey to lift women and support them.
A Never Ending Journey!
For now, that’s where my story ends. My journey will never be over. I have new goals and visions. I want to hug and hold every woman out there. I want to tell you that you CAN DO IT. That you ARE STRONG ENOUGH. That you are GOOD ENOUGH!
There is no “end goal” when talking about my journey. It’s an everyday struggle, blessing, and fight. I share it all and I am grateful for it all. May we all find light and inspiration through sharing our journeys.